Alicia - Chris Cearnal Photography

Alicia's Story in her Words from Interviews conducted from early fall 2020 to early spring 2021

The dream catcher is from when I was little. I always wanted a dream catcher. In the past, I have been having night terrors. I've been having nightmares. I feel a dream catcher really takes away bad dreams. it takes away the nightmares, and that's what helps me sleep.

I have not had that one my whole life. My dad actually got it for me. I liked it because of the feathers on it. I'm into anything like the cool ones that have like the pictures of the wolves and like the deer. I'm kind of a tomboy, really into that kind of stuff.

I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah. I grew up there until I was about nine years old.

I moved from Oregon to Utah, Utah, to Oregon. I was fighting with my brother and his wife and their kids. I talked to my caseworker, and I was like, I can't do this. I need to leave. I moved out and lived on my own for a year, then in an adult foster home.

I was getting mistreated by my landlord. Then I had a good foster home, and I went to my first ever protest. The first time I went to it, I thought, oh, it's so cool because I've seen how a community comes together.

I have lots of memories. I remember when he {an officer} throws a tear gas canister, and I couldn't breathe, and I was trying to get up, and I had like five people picking me up to get me out. I just could not breathe. I interacted with so many people, and I was like, you know what? I gotta do this. I've been going every night—Monday to Sunday. I would come home, go to work, go to the protest, then get a few hours of sleep.

Most of {my family} are already gone. I had my uncle die. He died not too long ago.

It's people's choices.

I don't remember that much about when I was a kid. I was in the ROTC airforce. I wanted to go into the airforce and, you know, because I'm disabled, I didn't have the IQ. My parents were also trying to keep me to live with them. My dad was real verbally abusive.

He still is.

My cat is my emotional support. I have a note from the doctor. She helps with my depression and anxiety.They can't tell me that I can't have an animal and if they do, I can sue them.

"I'm not going to lie. I'm proud of my self for this whole entire five months. Going in front of the cops saying move back and them like moving back. Cause, they're so scared of us. And I think us standing together and uniting as one that they know, you're not going to touch black people. You're not going to put kids in cages anymore. We're gonna fight back."

I'm going {to the protests} a lot from seeing that the cops are targeting a lot of Black people. They are targeting a lot of innocent people who are not doing anything wrong, and they're {the police} being violent and out of control.

I do janitorial work. I clean, and then I come home. I spend time with my cat. I do have caregivers that come and stay with me and an attorney to help get my charges dropped.

"I feel a dream catcher really takes away bad dreams. it takes away the nightmares, and that's what helps me sleep." Alicia attended her first protest when she was living in an adult foster home working towards living independently. She feels deeply connected to the protesters and is always scanning the crowd to see if someone needs help.

A lot of good friendships have happened to me. People check on me, like totally check on me every day, helping me out with my cigarettes. They help me with my anxiety. When I go down to the protests, I'll pass out my cigarettes to them. It's a good community. I don't know how to explain it. I don't really know how to explain the emotions.

Alicia chants with Amanda in front of the Mark O. Hatfield Courthouse on Sunday, July 19, 2020. "You know, I'm putting my body in front of somebody else's body to say, Hey, I'm going to stand up for what's right. I'm going to stand for anti-racism."

We don't leave anybody behind at the protests. We all look after each other. I don't tell anybody else how to protest. Because yeah, it's a first amendment. You have the right to speak what we feel is right. That's what the cops are trying to do—trying to keep us from not doing that.

The progress that we are making is gonna affect the future. I put a sticker over my peep-hole because I don't trust a lot of people.

Alicia remembers the police officers being so nice to her when she competed in the Special Olympics in high school. "It was different then".

I want to stand up for what's right. I want to stand up and see no more bloodshed and see nobody more die. I don't want to see any more people die. And you know, I'm sick of watching the news and seeing people get shot, we'll see, black people, get, get targeted for no reason. You know, like when I look in the cops eyes, they looked at me like I was a true criminal, and they don't care about people with disabilities.

I smile anyway, even if I'm going through a lot. I put on a fake smile every day because I'm going through a ton of emotional things.

This is all my gear right here. All the gear that I wear at the protests. This is my bulletproof vest. I have a full gas mask. I have gloves that I put on in case I fall. This helmet has seen hell. This has been with me when I've been tackled. I have shin guards because they like to shoot you in the legs.

"I was in the ROTC airforce in high school. I wanted to go into the airforce but because of my disability I didn't have the IQ". Alicia doesn't remember much from her childhood beyond her aspirations for military service.

One night I was, I had my vest, and everything and I was going to pick up a tear gas canister to get it out of the road and number 12 for Brent Taylor I think the next thing I know pop, pop, pop ricocheted on my shield, and they hit. They hit me twice in the leg with the rubber bullets. This was by city hall. Then he shot a baton round, and it hit me right in the hip. I was walking, and I was holding my hip, and this medic comes sprinting through the crowd and grabs me. He gets off all my gear to make sure I'm not bleeding anywhere.

Alicia was tackled to the ground at a protest and remembers being shot by police with small non-lethal rounds in the arms and being kicked and shot with a rubber bullet in the abdomen. She has bruising in the clear shape of a large hand on her arm. After this arrest she called 911 on herself after she took a knife to her own throat. They sent five police officers to her house.

Another night I went to the I.C.E building for the direct action, to see friends, and to say Hi to everybody because I want to see change.

{The police} They don't care about black people. They don't care about anybody; all they care about is money and their stupid buildings. Their buildings can be rebuilt. Lives can not be rebuilt. You kill so many. Nobody can; they can't rise up from the dead.

Almost every time that she gets arrested Alicia feels suicidal upon release and is hospitalized. While she is in the hospital she works with an art therapist to make autobiographical collages to remind her of her strengths and to reflect on her protest experiences. She is taking time away from the protests to take care of her mental health and solidify her living arrangements. She misses it every day. "There are nights I want to come out I'm not gonna lie. It's like, how do I get this out of my head? "

I'm just there to protect people. I'm there to be an ally if I need to.

You know, I feel black people need to be equal. I feel that everybody needs to be equal.

It's like we're sick of seeing kids in cages. You know, why should the government decide to take away a kid from their mother and separate them?

I

When they were pushing us for the third time, I don't know what happened. I might have bumped into an officer by accident. The next thing you know, the officer grabbed me by my shield, by the string, yanked me down, and slammed me on the ground. I was fighting them, trying to get them off me. "Get off me'" Everybody {at the protest} is like, "She can't breathe!"

My gas mask was almost totally ripped off. They kicked me when I was down. They kicked me and twisted my arms. I had one arm to my stomach. They grabbed my arms and zip tied me. They had the zip ties really tight.I mean so tight.

They popped the drinks in my backpack, so my backpack was soaked. Then they're like, get up. Get up.

After a particularly violent arrest Alicia comes to her friend and mentor Amanda's house on Monday, September 21, 2020. Her body covered in bruises, she rests on the couch with Dobby,Amanda's service dog. The care and friendship that she finds in the protest community mean everything to her,"They just, I think they really do care about me. I had a protester come visit me when I was in {the hospital}."

They dragged me into the I.C.E building, and the cops in there kept laughing at me. One cop was like, oh, she's quiet now. A male officer patted me down. I don't remember exactly, but he did a full pat-down. Usually, female officers do that.

They took eight swabs of DNA out of my cheek and took pictures of me when I told them not to. None of the ICE officers wore any masks at all.

They threw me in a cell. I was soaked. I was really cold. I was shivering half the night, and I asked them, I need a blanket. I'm freezing right now. It took long enough, but they brought me a blanket and gave me water. I was like, I want to go home. They took pictures of all my belongings, even my phone. They took my fingerprints. They wrote me out with a citation. They shot. I think they shot me that night, too, with the rubber bullets. I have little black dots all over my arm.

I went to the bathroom, and I pulled down my underwear {to see where} I was beaten. I have scrapes all over my arms. I have bruises up my arms, and my legs are covered with them. You can see the handprint on me.

They {The police} made me feel suicidal. I almost killed myself.

I was in the hospital for about a week because I took a knife to my throat.

I called 911 because of that, since that night. Because you know what they're putting us through and what they are putting the protesters through. We get hurt.

We are definitely not prepared for them bull rushing every night, shooting at us every night, them tear gassing every night. Them saying, "Move!" "Move!" And you know when I tell them I can't go as fast as you can and they say "Go to the East!" "Go to the South" and whatever.

In the hospital, I would go, and I would make artwork. I would design things that would really mean a lot, like listen up. Listen up to what people say. Don't hide your values. What matters is to stop racism, to fight for black lives. Being out there every night when I'm not knowing if I'm risking my life or not, if I'm coming home or not. We've gotta be there for each other.

The masks I made stand for the tears, stand for the Black people that fight every day. The red stands for the blood that was shed.

Keep fighting for what's right. Look forward to the good things in life. I thought of a puppy because people love puppies. Never give up on life and loving others.

I've been in the hospital six times for suicidal thoughts.I called the cops on myself once when I was going to cut my throat because of these charges. Yeah, some are federal. If they weren't going away, I don't know what is going to happen to me.

On my other arrest, I called {a friend}. She couldn't even hear me, but she said, if you can hear me, Alicia, listen, call this number. We will get you out. I will get money on your card. I will contact you. You will be ok.

t's just good to be around people. It's good to be around friends that really love you, that really do look out for you. Um, I have family that does not support me. My dad thinks I abandoned my family for the protesters, which is not even true. I love my family, but because I have family down here that cares about me, that love me to death. My family is far away. {My dad}, he's not as supportive about this.

He has yelled at me.

One night in the hospital, I don't want to ask for help. It was cold. I was huddled on the bed. I was like crying. I wasn't doing good. I had like no hope. I had one or two blankets. They didn't come to check on me much. That solitude, that's why I call so many people.

I just put in my artwork. I am loved and very important because I am very loved. I already know that. I got to know that I am loved for who I am, and that's what counts.

It's important to enjoy life because you know the cops could come in my door right now. All I know they can easily bash down my door and shoot me like they did to Breonna Taylor. I still can't believe it. She was an awesome girl, and they still killed her. Ridiculous.

My dreams? Mainly to be independent, to keep fighting, and hopefully to become a nurse or a CNA or a dietary aid. That's what I'm trying to go for. I'm trying to see if I can go to school and figure things out. I live by myself now. It's awesome.

I want to help people; you know, check on people make sure they are ok.

You know, putting my body in front of somebody else's body to say, Hey, I'm going to stand up for what's right. I'm going to stand for anti-racism.

I've learned about myself. That I'm a warrior. I can take {rubber} bullets. I can pull people out from the tear gas. I can say they are coming this way. Stay with me at all times. I helped a young lady with her gas mask. It was brand new. I was helping her when they shot at us. They threw a flash grenade right at my feet, and I see a hole in the ground. She was shot. She got shot by one of the rubber bullets. I picked her up in my arms, and I just thought, let's go quick. I'm like, ok don't touch your eyes. Don't touch anything because you have gas all over you. I felt like I was a medic. Even if I'm not qualified as a medic, I feel like a mama bear. I will pull out whatever I can to keep them from flipping out. If they get shot, I would take one of my cold packs. Put it on. Make sure no bones are broke. No bones are broken, and wait till the medic comes.

I've been telling people that I have to take a step back because of what happened last weekend. {Her most recent arrest}. It's very emotional for me. I've been targeted by the police on top of the far-right also. Nobody wants me to go out there because they could easily snap me up.

But I still love it.

I'm so with Black Lives Matter.

I'm always going to be with Black Lives. I'm trying to get funds to get a fundraiser going for donations for art supplies. I want to make art and take them to the protesters.

I am twenty-eight years old; my name is Alicia. I am disabled. I have disabilities.

I believe you need to keep the candle lit. My candle, um, I have a little candle. It's like you have a candle inside of you, and you gotta keep that lit so you can keep going. Once the flame goes out, what are you going to do?